drinks with Arivaldo

11 Nov. 2009

They were closing up the Botanical Garden and apparently Arivaldo, Debbie, and Arivaldo's partner were going to a concert back at Campo Grande, so Arivaldo offered me a ride and I'm like thanks! But we were going to pick up his partner still. So we went over to her apartment and there was like a little, casual bar thing (they're all over the place by the way) outside of her apartment so Arivaldo Debbie and I just chilled there waiting.

[Like this, but I took this photo in Arembepe]

I guess Arivaldo already anticipated the long wait... we were there like 45 minutes or something while she finished getting ready.
But it was chill, we just sat there talking about stuff.
Arivaldo is one of the favorite people that I have met here. He's really relaxed and easy to talk with. He also has so much interesting knowledge. And I love plants, as fellow inhabitants of this earth. So I love talking to people who know a lot about them.
Anyway, I then I asked him if he had a lot of plants in his house and he's like: "not one" and I thought it was pretty funny and this is when he introduced me to the common saying:

"casa de ferreiro, espeto de pau",

which means something like the blacksmith's house, a wooden fireplace, which is about the irony about how some times what people do professionally is not reflected in what they personally do outside of that realm. Like the English "The shoemaker's child goes around barefoot"

He is pretty knowledgeable in Spanish and Mexican customs too. Apparently he has some Mexican colleagues and friends. He was saying some of the words that his Mexican friends have trouble with like "Bairro" and "Feira"; they tend to forget and say "Barrio" and "Feria" which is more Spanish. So that's a good pattern to take note of: most words that end with "-rio/a" or "rria/o", are likely to be -eira. or -airo, -airro. And a few others words that are the most commonly mispronounced by Spanish-speakers.

But Arivaldo and Tania both knew about a lot of the animals and life in Mexico. For example how we love to eat cactus and we never mix oranges or pineapples with milk in Mexico like they do here in Brasil (It's associated with stomach aches like not mixing lime and milk either because it curdles! --and it's just weird to many Mexicans, anyone hear any other reason why we don't do that?).

Oranges and Milk:

[photo by: JohnAugustinestate's]

I had realized this Bahian/Brasilian custom before Arivaldo told me though, because I was really surprised when my mãe asked if I wanted my orange juice with milk, I'm like what?!
It's so taboo to me I guess.
It's like in the U.S. you don't mix fish and milk very much, or put "American" cheese in smoothies... Okay I'm having trouble finding a U.S. equivalent, but Japanese people, would it not be absurd to mix green tea and milk? That's what I hear anyway--from being scolded for doing it myself, jaja.
But I tried it! (the orange juice and milk). I did it because I feel like the milk they have here is not the same as the milk I have had in the U.S. or Mexico. In Mexico it's often more fresh and less processed; in the states it's a little more processed--but in both cases I know they have a lot of lactose. Meanwhile

the cow milk they have here is bought in little cartons that can be outside the fridge for months...

so I don't know. And sure enough I didn't have any lactose intolerant reaction luckily :) . but I do restrict my consumption--don't go trying a lot if you're lactose intolerant too though, because I don't know for sure it won't hurt.

Avocados! or Abacate [Port.], Aguacate [Span.]:
There is also this difference that here in Brasil, Avocados are conceptualized as being in a sweet/dessert family. Arivaldo was also aware that it is not the case for a lot of places. In Mexico and in most parts of the States it's associated with more savory foods; it's in guacamole. Lime and salt come to mind to me for avocados.
Like you don't add guacamole to your cake. (Or do you?) But here my mãe likes to put some sugar on it and eat it in spoonfuls. Which I am not against either, I tried that too. And I got my sisters to try the lime with salt version and we both liked the new versions.
It is very common in Brasil to make avocado milkshakes (again with the milk jaja) with sugar and lime--woah! watch out Mexicans, triple taboo. Jk. But those are also good, I recommend you try an avocado milkshake.

Then we were talking about Bahian slang and we found out where "Ó Paí, Ó" comes from. Yes it's the title of a pretty popular movie (which I recommend because it's a really good Brazilian film), but it also is a kind of stereotypical Bahian expression that is also used all over Brasil, although not as frequently. We decided that it most likely comes from "Olha para isso, olha" It's common to repeat either the verb or "não" for emphasis. Like: "não brinque com isso, não" emphatic "don't NOT joke about that".
And "Ó" is commonly used to substitute for "olha" which means "look" either figuratively or literally. To call your attention to something usually. and para isso, means "look at that", or "watch out/it". Actually someone said that to me one day that I was in a little local store and I backed up and accidently bumped into a lady behind me, and she said that to me "Ó Paí, Ó"

Arivaldo is really awesome. He's also been a single daddy for a while; I'm not sure why, I didn't want to pry, but he has a little 2 year old baby. I sat next to his car-seat. Arivaldo had some pretty funny stories to tell about him. And explained why the car-seat was all torn up...apparently he likes to bite things.

The reason I tagged this blog with so many different things--well besides feeling like they're relevant and appropriate--I thought it is important to tag it under "gender relations" and "men" because I don't want negative things to be the only things to show up for them-- that wouldn't be representative.
I feel like Arivaldo was completely respectful and casual-professional the whole time, and I am very aware/sensitive about this kind of stuff and sexual harassment etc., and I at no time felt like he was crossing any line.
It was casual because we were joking and laughing and chilling, but he was not implying any inappropriateness, he was not dominating, he was like a good teacher friend who treated Debbie and me like colleagues who were deserving of respect. There was no focus on how we were women and he was a man or that he was older and we were younger; he still respected us and treated us like equals.
Finally his partner came and we were off back to our side of town. He was so kind in taking me literally to the gate of my apartment.
Obrigada Arivaldo!
I came back way later than expected and super hungry but I had a really great time.

Quote: 3 year old

10 Nov. 2009

There is an independent school nearby for children of a certain "underpriviledged" community in Salvador, and I go there and play with these super energetic and bright children. Oh they always seem so excited. Anyway when I asked one of the girls (she is apparently very fond of me and sometimes can't let go of me--literally she'll hold on to my leg for a really long time even if I'm trying to walk) what she wanted to be when she grows up and she said:

"um..lavar pratos...lavar pratos e limpar casa"

wash dishes and clean houses.

then I asked what she thinks her sister wants to be and she said the same thing.
This isn't a super surprising response though considering the class and gender relations. Over 90% of the domestic workers in Bahia or all of Brazil I can't remember are poor Black women. And this is involved with the politics of being a woman and their assumed qualities and also because of the institutional racism and sexism that makes it almost impossible for Blacks and women, and especially Black women to see upwards mobility because of course domestic work is not paid to the level of work and skill that it takes.

And this supports that children are really astute to perceiving situations--but of course I could just be reading into this, and assuming that may be washing dishes and cleaning houses is something someone she cares for a lot does, and looking up to that person, she would like to do the same.

Oh I managed to find a picture of us. That's her on one of such occasions (and that's me, the taller one :).
I know it makes it awkward with the faces out of the picture, but oh well. She's so adorable like all the other kids I've had the opportunity to work with. They have such great energy and that's why I like being around kids.

ps. I work at the on-campus day care at my university and miss them--oh the movie BABIES is coming out!! I can't wait

Oh right some vocabulary I learned from the children:
macaquinho=piggy back ride, they LOVE those

They also all called me Tia, although I am not their aunt. So I guess it can be used as a form of respect of elder but not super formal like "a senhora/ o senhor" which is very formal.

It's so funny because on my way to class the other day I was trying to get past one of the bancas (newstands) and there were like 7 teenagers getting stuff there and I was saying licensa, licensa, and then one girl said "deixem a tia passar" and I am only like 4 years older but they still called me Tia, and I laughed.

In/fidelity debate...

26 Oct 2009,

I forgot to write this down but last weekend when I was chilling with my family there was this debate among my family members as to some recent news.

So what happened was that a woman had decided to go to Rio de Janeiro, by herself although she was married, and the husband was worried about this and inquiring further with a lot of suspicion about the details of her trip.
This same husband had cheated on this woman several times and caused his wife a lot of pain. I'm not sure if he knew that his wife was aware of this infidelity or not. Because __ was saying that the husband would only be so distrustful and suspicious if he felt guilty, because if he knew that their relationship was healthy and that he had been loyal to her, he shouldn't have anything to worry about.

Then someone else said that still, this is improper behavior as a married woman, calling her a mulher descarada = impudent woman.
And someone else said that "no, if the husband could do this why can't she?"

And the debate went into the whole men's animalistic instinct to cheat and then it got even more heated.
It was rebutted by some more about women and men's equality and why there shouldn't be different standards.

And then they asked me what I thought. Oh I always get nervous when i'm asked about something because I have a fear of pushing someone to change their thoughts just by saying my own. But I think I have made steps to overcome this. I don't think that any statement of opinion is necessarily pushing my ideals from my experience/education onto anyone else, and it's assuming that my thoughts are inherently better so people would agree if they heard them--which is not the case, so I said what I thought.

I said that I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship with more than one person at a time, although in other people's relationships if it is an agreement from both parties that they can both see other people simultaneously then that's fine. But I don't condone deceit or infidelity because if it is not mutual and it's behind people's backs then it's betraying people's trust.
And I don't think it's fair to the loyal person. And I don't believe that the animalistic instinct is justification because we are capable of a higher consciousness as people--men included--and therefore aren't required to have sex with every person we come into contact with or even everyone we are attracted to.
So it pretty much didn't answer the question as to this particular situation, I think I just answered that I don't think I would have stayed with that husband if there was still such little trust, and therefore there would be no cheating from my part either, why stay in a relationship if both parties are intentionally but secretly cheating?

Oi Linda!: Gender Relations Part II (nas ruas)

"Oi Linda!" "Linda, Viu?"

These are comments that my girl friends noticed from the night we stepped foot out of the orienation hotel and into the streets.
Our first experience:
So we were 3 women looking for a place to have dinner and we were walking by a near-by park and there were lots of people out chilling, selling street food like popcorn etc. And when we passed by guys almost all of them would make some sort of comment and my friend Allegria said “well, then I’m glad that at least I don’t understand what they’re saying” and right after she said that a guy we passed goes: “beeeautiful”. It was just amazingly good timing. So anyway this was fairly representative of our experience on the streets of Salvador as women from that day forward. It happens every day especially if you’re alone; it happens far less if you’re with a guy and especially if they think the guy is Brazilian.

But yeah it is very uncomfortable, to quote one of my friends who is constantly hit on almost everywhere, that she “feels like a deer in the woods ready to be hunted" or with comments like “gostosa” [delicious] "literally like a slab of meat at a delicatessen." Although I/we don’t condone this, my friends and I agreed that at least they’re just comments like “Beautiful” and not more vulgar commens about our bodies or anything like that, which we have experienced before in the States. Allegria, from San Francisco said one time when she was walking to a job interview and felt she looked really cute, a guy passing her says “nice tits” and that is… yeah so we’re thankful that usually it’s something less vulgar.

But of course this kind of thing does seem to be limited to experiences with strangers and usually on the street [some have experienced a lot of machismo in their capoeira classroom but it’s a different sort of thing]. Because I am not treated like this by all guys/men on the street. Especially if they’re working. I’ve noticed that wearing the uniform really means something; sometimes the minute some guys are off work--like our tour guide at Morro-- it’s a totally different story. But yeah I am not harassed by my sisters’ friends or other friends we make here at some concerts etc. Of course even less by the males in our host families. I also think that anonymity and social class have something to do with it usually.

• How do I cope with it?

I guess I had had some experience with that before, in the U.S. in Mexico, but I don’t feel comfortable, and I don't condone it as a patriarchal behavior so men feel dominant over women reminding us that our place is nothing more than as sex machine as we were created for men’s pleasure and passing on of genes. But anyway, I guess you just kind of learn to ignore the common "oi linda" "oi amor!" "linda, viu?" to the point that in some situations I just find it somewhat amusing even. Like one time I was walking by some gated building and there was a guard behind the gate who saw me between a crack for like one second and he goes “wiew”, like he was on a rollercoaseter or something.

My friends and I satirize it all the time. “oooh, do my half-shaven, pasty, mosquito-bitten legs turn you on?” Because it really doesn’t matter as my housekeeper, Fernanda has said, whether you’re all dressed up/ showing cleavage and in a mini skirt or “toda desarrumada ” and all covered up and sloppy.

But this one time that it got to be more than just “oi linda”. I was at a bustop with 4 other friends and this man who was homeless, came up to us and started talking to us, asking where we were going and such, and my friend responded “praia do flamengo” and he was okay at first but then he started saying stuff like “oh I bet you’d look good on the beach with those long legs” and from there we demonstrated disapproval and tried to ignored him. Then he went away and came back "where are you from?" And I answered “Sou Brasileira” thinking he might leave us alone now if he’s only doing this because he thinks we’re all tourists who don’t know how to deal with this stuff, but nope that didn’t help--and I guess we didn't really know how to deal with this stuff. Cause he grabs my arm and kisses it ..out of patriotism? I don’t know but that’s when we moved away because touching or any physical contact is waaaay beyond crossing the boundaries. So we moved away and then it seemed like he was gone so we came back, (the bus still hadn’t come) and we sat down on the benches and then in like 3 minutes he comes over and sits next to me and wants to keep talking and I’m like “I have to go”. But he gets up and follows me and he’s like “no wait let me give you another kiss” me: “nao!”

So I recommend that if something is going beyond (because you can spend your whole day just saying something back to every person that sexually harasses you and it seems like a waste of energy because it'll happen the next day again and again and again) and is persistent that you just leave the area, or it will escalate. You can also say “me deixa em paz” = “leave me alone” and then go. Sometimes, like in this case it doesn't seem like reason will really help because this guy seemed to have a mild mental disorder and I don't know I just know that being homeless his behavior is reflecting his life experience and what he’s probably been seeing on the streets all the time. And I was thinking also that since I don't experience this sexual harassment with my family or my sister's friends well they are all from a middle-upper middle class so may be that's a factor. However it's not so say that it doesn't exist in that social class because....

This other time, God, also at a bus stop --by myself this time, I was waiting for the Praca da Se bus and it was taking for EVER! I had already waited like 30/40 minutes and in the last 10 minutes there was a guy who was in a suit, suitcase, tie, and reading the newspaper apparently just got off work or something, and I noticed he kept staring at me and smiling creepily just watching me. And I moved a little and he followed, I moved back and so did he. It was getting weird so I just decided to get on the next bus even though it was the executivo (executive), more expensive one because I wanted to go already. And he gets on the bus with me! But I kind of made the seat next to me unavailable so he sat more towards the front
And I wasn’t sure where to get off because this bus might have different points than the other normal bus. So I asked this other guy who was farther in the back with me. He was super nice he was explaining everything to me, very respectful and he told me he’d let me know when to get off. So then he says “it’s coming up” so I go back up to the front and the bus driver told me oh wait it’s a couple more blocks, but to my bad luck there was terrible traffic and I was standing almost right in front of the suitcase guy and I start hearing some noises. I thought it was my imagination at first, and then I told myself may be he’s just smacking his lips at what’s in the newspaper, but afterward "no it can’t be that repetitive". But I felt disgusting because I had my backside to him and now I realize he’s making kissing noises at me trying to do it only loud enough for ME to hear and oh man those minutes were eternal to me and I guess he did want some kind of reaction because he was getting louder and louder to make sure I heard, so I decided not to look because obviously that’s what he wanted if my reaction at the time--of not doing anything-- was not what he wanted. But I just got filled with such raiva that I just wanted to turn around and smack his dirty lips I just wanted to slap him. Like what the hell are you doing?! And then finally it was my stop, and he gets off too. I was determined to lose him in the crowd luckily avenida sete is always crowded. But I was still feeling really frustrated. And it was worse to me than when the homeless guy kissed my arm because it is definitely a different power dynamic. This guy had not only had the education to know that he is doing something wrong but I almost feel like he was doing it for that purpose. Because he “knows” he is in the position of power and probably wanted to intimidate me or something, and obviously it’s very unequal because I can’t do that back to him and make him feel the same way, he can’t feel sexually harassed by me and if I did what he did to be back, he’d probably like it.
Oh disgusting though. I
t was the WAY he was looking at me. a super sexual way of looking at me and it really did make me feel like being violent towards him. I don’t know if I dealt with that well, I still feel like I should have told him something in front of those people on the bus like “velho perverso, você não tem vergoinha de ser tão maleducado!” But again I’m not sure if he probably even would have wanted that, or any reaction. I think, well I wish I didn’t react the way I did internally because that only hurts me. I wish it hadn’t bothered me to that point, but it did all the more because he was a “White” man.

So, like I said it usually had to do with class but not always, and it was very interesting how different my reactions were to this. But after I told my friends they were totally more disgusted regardless of all the kisses blown at them before, but it did make a difference that it was a White man from an higher class. It just is a different power dynamic in this instance and it changes the way we perceive it.

[the picture is from: ]

Gender Relations Part I: Em Casa

Gender relations are... complicated as so many things. but I will incorporate different people's observations as well.
As a woman in Bahia gender relations can't really go unnoticed as all of my female peers don't go a day walking down the street without being hit on or cat-called, or blown kisses at. I'll post something on just that, and I'll title it... "Oi Linda".

But yeah many of my friends and I still get very frustrated and feel extremely uncomfortable but apart from that and the gender inequality in the work place and apparent patriarchy found in all sectors of almost all societies. I observe the dynamics within my family.

My mother and father: A minha mãe takes a lot of pride in her position as mother. She used to be a secretary but is now semi-retired, to be a host-mother for this program. She spends most of the day in the house and looks over the aesthetics of the home while my host father doesn’t really. A minha mãe likes to go shopping, likes to wear dresses and look pretty.
My host father, owns this little business and works 6 days a week. He usually comes home and takes off his shirt almost immediately once he enters the house and is just around in his shorts the rest of the day and his days off. He is not very talkative with anyone, minha mãe is extremely talkative with everyone. I think meu pai has a shorter temper than minha mãe. And although my mother is now more of a housewife than anything and has a lot of traditionally feminine qualities, I don’t consider her submissive in any way. She is very much a part of the decision-making process of the home and other issues pertaining to the family. Both minah mae and meu pai are very opinionated, so it’s not to say that one is dominant or whatever.
During the week my mãe is in charge of the kitchen and usually washes dishes when Fernanda isn’t there. On Sunday meu pai usually does the cooking and my sisters help, but even during the week sometimes minha mãe will just be like “oh I’m so tired/my back/head hurts can you take care of all of this" [referring to the kitchen] and he’ll do it whether it’s making dinner or cleaning up the kitchen. It’s really great that they can take turns like that. And one time minha mae said to me “To me, it was always very important to get married to my job first, and then my husband”.
over all I think they both contribute a lot and I’ve never heard any talk about a woman’s job or man’ job like I hear many of my older Mexican family members. I also feel like they’re raising some empowered women by not limiting their existence to a single…chore. They really emphasize the importance of my sisters' education and getting a good career. My older sister is going to the university to become an engineer, and my younger sister is thinking of going into psychology.

My sister and her namorado: they also have a very interesting dynamic, I think it’s fun to watch them. The Namorado, Carlos* is totally into coming to our house and surprising my sister while she’s studying, and doing all these little things: bringing her flowers and constantly being physically affectionate, while my sister is just like “ew, okay that’s enough” or “you dork”. And she's not into doing any of that back.
She’s always teasing him like one time that Carlos was over and he offered to help replace the water gallon thing for drinking, and when he was done he had the jug over his head “ should I put this down?” my sister super sarcastic “noooo, it’s meant to stay on your head, smart one”. I don’t know but she’s very strong and physically kind of big. She works in construction and drives to school and work. She, unlike her mom, never wears dresses; she doesn’t like to. She pretty much lives in shorts except for when she’s at work: pants and big construction boots. She doesn’t wear make-up or much jewelry. She is also very opinionated, and loud about it, and possibly has the temper of her dad.

My younger sister: is kind of quiet, she is the one to whom minha mãe goes for comfort. She’s always so sweet and polite with me. She’s sooo patient, it’s amazing. Like her computer’s charger is broken and her dad told her to take out the battery when it’s plugged in to the electric outlet so as to not overuse the battery, but if the cord doesn’t stay at a certain angle, then the computer just turns off right? So I was there because we only have the internet line in my room, and it turned off on her in the middle of her homework like 4 times and she just handled it with such a calmness, that just amazed me. But yeah she’s extremely sweet and kind of shy, very smart, and responsible. She’ll do a lot of the going to pay the phone bills when it’s required to go the mall or some other place. She's currently learning how to drive and is studying hard for the vestibular--kind of like the SATs to get into a public university which is the top of education in Brazil and FREE! yeah. come on California, come on U.S.

Culture shock part II: in the house

I forgot to mention but the day I came home for the first time, the house cleaner was cleaning the bathroom. And when my mom introduced me to her, I wasn’t really sure what I was supposed to but I hugged her. And I think may be that might have been weird, or unexpected. But yeah I have never had a maid or servant or house cleaner, and I don’t know what to call her when referring to her. In Brazil I hear “doméstica” “moça/ moço" [pr:/mossa/mossu/] and I’m not sure which one is preferable.

All families in this program had some kind of helper. Most of my friends had females, a couple I knew had male cooks/house cleaners who did laundry too. I also have to add that all of the ones I’ve met are African descendents while the families tend to be “white”.
It’s not recognized as institutional discrimination that 90% of the poor population is African descendent. And I believe over 95% of domesticas are black females. And honestly this to me, really brings to life all the history that we’re learning about slavery in Brazil, and like I said usually our middle/upper class families are “White” (mine is what would be called “morena” I think and they have a different background than most of the families in the program; both my host mom and host father grew up in the interior on farms) anyway, then I see Fernanda (I changed her name for this post) barefoot in the kitchen (before this was considered a sign that someone was a slave, freed blacks wore shoes) and exposing herself to all these harsh chemicals in the bathroom and just working sooo hard all day more/longer than she had been told…I feel like it’s really unfair that this labor is reserved for only a certain demographic.

Anyway..so yeah my family had two moças at first but then only one that did cleaning and cooking, and then a male cook for special occasions like the Caruru.
I was totally not used to that or having other people do my laundry and dishes all the time, but Fernanda and Barbara, and Ed (pronounced /edgy/) were so nice to me and especially Fernanda that it wasn’t hard to interact with them. I mean they weren’t like afraid to talk to me or anything and I’m sure they kind of have an interest in not making me dislike them, but I see them as friends. I have become really close to Fernanda because she comes three times a week now and on one day that my mom goes to church to volunteer so she’s who is keeping me company (since the rest of my family leaves super early in the morning to school and work). While I’m having breakfast or lunch she’s preparing the next meal right there in the kitchen next to me so we have a lot of interesting conversations, we'll joke around a lot too.

I can really relate to her a lot—even more than my host family sometimes, not saying that our experiences are necessarily comparable, but we both have single mothers and have had similar experiences in certain circumstances. Her mom also moved to a different place in search of better opportunities. And then we talk about relationships and how her daughter is doing, well I don’t want to divulge too much information about her but she’s told me some pretty funny things. Oh I love Fernanda she makes my day she’s just such a genuine person and always seems to be in a good mood. I actually hug and kiss her good-bye all the time now. I don’t know if that is against social norm, but she seems to be fine with it and does it too. :D

I see that my host mom and family all have a personal relationship with her too, they know a lot about Fernanda's personal life and family. She's been with this family 3 years. My mom is always telling her about what's going on in her life, she's complain to her, share joy too. It would seem like she's a part of the family, but not really. I also see how they can be a little disrespectful to her time too, but I don't think I should mention some stuff, but generally my host mother tries to do things for her.

In this picture is Fernanda and one of my mom's sister's cooking for the Caruru, a lot of help was needed that day. But also to bring up the point that in my family, my mom and her sisters and my host sisters also do chores once in a while. My mom has done my laundry and she does cook a lot for me, and washes the dishes and kitchen counters etc. But I've never seen them wash the bathrooms or floors.